The Nose Milk

“It always seems impossible until its done.” – Nelson Mandela

↓ Read the rest of this entry…

I applied for a job the other day at the Unicorn Meat Factory in Sacramento, California.

Yes, the factory that actually processes, pre-packages unicorn meat and then applies a crapload of Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) to prevent the meat from spoiling.. OR for taste. It’s then shipped out nationwide to several grocery stores for all those who wish to gluttonize.

Why did I apply for such a job?

I couldn’t find a job elsewhere so I figured – why not – I can possibly get a chance to work around unicorns. Maybe I can use a few for my Dung Beer concoctions … or I can just get a mouth watering tasty bite myself. It’s normal to eat unicorn meat right?

↓ Read the rest of this entry…

Shopping on Black Friday is always a “survival of the fittest” yet hilarious experience. With Thanksgiving’s tofurkey fermenting in my stomach, I wait in line at the meat market of technology – BEST BUY – to buy more new junk to fill my apartment with.

Therefore I present to you:

Yes – Black Friday actually does stink like turkey droppings. Maybe because everyone is so full of tofurkeys, and well, besides mentioning green gas – the rest of the image is too disgusting for me to even portray.

Like all the other little ingenius munchkins in line, I’m thinking we’re actually going to save money by spending more money. Hell, in those wee hours of the morning I could’ve written the first chapter of Harry Potter 8 and slammed it in J.K. Rowling’s attractive face.

It’s interesting how I wouldn’t ever get up that early in the morning to –

a) Write this blog
b) Go to the gym
c) Write a chapter of a book
d) Take my pet rhinoceros for a walk

– but I was stupid enough to get up that early to save a couple of bucks for crappy products I would never use again.

There I am below in the dark green shirt in the back with a big frown on my face. Obviously, anyone would get a frown on their face if they’ve been waiting in line for a better part of the day.

If the alien race were looking through a telescope at the Earth, they would notice this line right away. This line outside Best Buy literally extended for a couple of miles. They would laugh so loud that we would waste our precious time standing in this line, that their eardrums would simultaneously combust at the same time, blasting a hole through their spaceship.
↓ Read the rest of this entry…

Sometimes, when I was a teen, I would let my anger get the best of me. I always assumed unleashing a barrage of nonsensical cuss words would do the job of calming the anger.

Turns out cussing would just make it worse.

I decided then I would say something different .. something.. unexpected.. something much better than cussing.

So everytime someone pissed me off, I decided one of the things to say was “Oh yeah? Well.. I made love to your grandmama“.
(This went on for a while till my medulla oblongata became wittier – which came as I gained more life experience.)

I’ve compiled a list of when I personally have noticed the best uses of saying such a thing:
↓ Read the rest of this entry…