My time being bullied is over. Thank God. But when I was a kid, holy testicles – I didn’t know when it was going to end.

We’ve all been bullied or some way or the other. Even the Jocks, the hotties and the assholes.

For all the kids out there – this is for you:

I was always lectured by my parents on how to deal with bullies. While their lectures were different from my grandpa’s (which I’ll get to in a moment), their lectures were more about the big picture and the long run, something I never cared about as a kid or knew ever existed.

The big picture was to be successful and build character. To deal with hardship and become something better out of it.

So they always said – think of life as a 15-55 rule. Suppose you live to be 70 would you rather enjoy the first 15 years of your life only and have a shitty time the rest 55? Or would you want to have a not-that-great time the first 15 and then enjoy like a BOSS the other 55?

If you’re a positive thinker, call it the 20-60 rule, whatever floats your boat.

Well I wanted both. I wanted to enjoy all my time in my human suit here on this Earth. Every single moment of it.

Unfortunately, that’s never the case.

I was always told by my Hugh-Hefner look-alike grandpa that in order to stop them bullies, you got to fight fire with fire.

BE A MAN!

My grandpa has this large butt chin, a trait which my DNA acquired. I was always made fun of it as a kid, but when I hit about 16 it turned into an awesome asset to attract the ladies like little butterflies. That taught me a good lesson: Always be happy with your traits, because 99.99% of the time they turn out looking awesome after puberty.

That was not an exaggeration.

“When dealing with bullies, use your intellect” he always stated.

I didn’t know what the fuck he meant by that, because I kept getting good grades (aka using my damn intellect) and it wouldn’t stop the mini douchebags from inverting my backpack and throwing my books in the garbage.

He then would give me extra money sometimes to bribe a few big kids into being on my side. Hey it works for politicians – so why wouldn’t it work for 8 year old midget hulks?

A few of these hulking kids didn’t have health insurance – possibly due to a deadbeat parent. I’m wondering whether I should’ve offered some of my health insurance at the time to them?

Well that seemed to work – for a short time – but I found I’d rather keep the money and buy a few Sonic the Hedgehog/Archie comics or bubblegum instead of paying some 8 year old thugs to have my back.

After about two days of non-payment, these little thugs now became bullies themselves. Great, thanks Grandpa. Now I have to deal with a swarming array of more assholes.

Back then, a few years before wikipedia, wordpress, and all those amazing sites decided to sprout, the internet was existent but everyone was running 56k dialups everywhere. There wasn’t that much information on the web about how to solve certain things, and having an aol email address meant you were super cool.

So I asked my parents to toss me in some karate classes so I can defend myself.

It took me a while but eventually I could defend myself and fight back.

But heck – if I knew about the ZANGIEF KID back then, I would’ve mastered the technique and fucked some shit up.

Props to the Zangief kid. You would’ve been the hero of my 8 year old self. And that’s a big thing to be.

But as I grew into an adult, I figured out that my parents were right. Through hard work and determination I’ve won. Hey – the first 15 years blew pretty bad, but everything after turned out pretty damn amazing. If I live up to 70 years old, that means that 55 years are going to be RAWESOME.

I’d rather enjoy the majority of my life as opposed to the small portion, anyday, EVERYDAY.

As Mr. Mackie from South Park would say “Bullying’s bad. Bullying’s bad MmmK.”