Shopping on Black Friday is always a “survival of the fittest” yet hilarious experience. With Thanksgiving’s tofurkey fermenting in my stomach, I wait in line at the meat market of technology – BEST BUY – to buy more new junk to fill my apartment with.
Therefore I present to you:
Yes – Black Friday actually does stink like turkey droppings. Maybe because everyone is so full of tofurkeys, and well, besides mentioning green gas – the rest of the image is too disgusting for me to even portray.
Like all the other little ingenius munchkins in line, I’m thinking we’re actually going to save money by spending more money. Hell, in those wee hours of the morning I could’ve written the first chapter of Harry Potter 8 and slammed it in J.K. Rowling’s attractive face.
It’s interesting how I wouldn’t ever get up that early in the morning to –
a) Write this blog
b) Go to the gym
c) Write a chapter of a book
d) Take my pet rhinoceros for a walk
– but I was stupid enough to get up that early to save a couple of bucks for crappy products I would never use again.
There I am below in the dark green shirt in the back with a big frown on my face. Obviously, anyone would get a frown on their face if they’ve been waiting in line for a better part of the day.
If the alien race were looking through a telescope at the Earth, they would notice this line right away. This line outside Best Buy literally extended for a couple of miles. They would laugh so loud that we would waste our precious time standing in this line, that their eardrums would simultaneously combust at the same time, blasting a hole through their spaceship.
Now.. there’s always a guy who tries to talk to other strangers – to remove the awkwardness and boredom of standing in a line with a bunch of other random people. Since I myself am a social person at heart, I give three thumbs up to the man for trying.
But most of the people in this line are usually the unsocial, awkward types. They don’t speak much. Nor are they interested in making friends. Even their acknowledgement nods are filled with frowns.
Or maybe they’re just tired from standing in a 14 hour long tofurkey-shit smelling line.
FOILED! It was a smart attempt of distraction, but your inner motives have been discovered.
You know – us humans invented lines to create order. To distill chaos. Unfortunately.. it seems to work the other way around nowadays.
In this particular situation I was in, there were some thugs who were in first, ahead of the line. Who knows if they are a part of the line itself, but they looked dangerous as fuck. Everyone avoided them – just by the nature of the situation.
I’m guessing while we were sleeping in tents in the middle of the night, they shanked the previous guys standing in the front of the line and hid their bodies in a nearby bush.
Being in front of the line is pride for them. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, if you make one wrong move and they think you’re cutting, they will fuck your ass up for their position in the line.
These vain thugs actually slowed down to a stop at the door, practically barricading it. They kept the heavyset big guy to stand there, acting like a straight up douchebag, so that the army of ants behind him can’t get in the door. Whilst this particular heavyset douchebag waits at the door, his buddies run and get a headstart in the race to find their products first.
Yes, this happened in real life. We were furious. We didn’t wait in line for over half a day for this crap.
Of course, an army of ants always end up triumphing over the Incredible Hulk.. and as you can see – that’s what happened.
Speaking of the Incredible Hulk.. The Avengers movie that’s coming out the summer of 2012.. it better be damn good because my friends and I already bought several tickets.
Look at my dumbass running.
Someone actually threatened to stab someone else with a pen.
I also feel bad for the sick people whose spouses have forced them to stand in line during Black Friday – just to buy some new household appliance that you already own. This is a “survival of the fittest” day, and sick people just aren’t going to make it.
If you’re sick and you want to survive on Black Friday – stay at least 5 miles away from the nearest store.
People have actually died through the stampedes on Black Friday. Don’t you feel shameful for our race when we hear something like that on the news?
I wasn’t getting the upperhand so I decided to call upon my custom built robot suit for help. It looked like something a mad scientist/Dr. Robotnik himself could have made.. its truly an amazing piece of machinery.
I built this robot just for occasions like these, when I had to get the upper hand. Or when my life was in danger. I felt both was happening at the moment.
I grabbed the very last copy of “The Game of Thrones: A song of Ice and Fire”, and snuggled the book between my robotic arms. That book was really popular. People started to attack me from every which way.. some tried to climb, some tried to stab, all in attempts to snatch my book.
Some tried to promise me large sums of money for the book. I remember one guy even saying he will give me a hundred bucks tomorrow if I let give him the last copy of the book. With a wink he added – “a Lannister always pays his debts“.
I fried him with my laser handgun for being extra fruity. Unfortunately, he died. I sware – it was not an accident. I knew he wasn’t a Lannister because I myself am a descendant, and this liar never showed up to the family reunions.
Some lady was so pissed that she lost her spot in the line. She drove her car into the store, grabbed her product ran out the store. She was never caught.
I decided I had enough nonsense for one day. I paid for my book and lifted off into the sky. I had a nice read for the rest of the evening.