The hypocritical nature of insurance companies knows no bounds. Yay! Another topic to mock.
Wikipedia states “Insurance is a form of risk management primarily used to hedge against the risk of a contingent, uncertain loss. Insurance is defined as the equitable transfer of the risk of a loss, from one entity to another, in exchange for payment.“
In other words, insurance EQUALS monthly money for insurance companies who “promise” to pay moolah in the case that something gets damaged that you have insured. Basically, you are dishing your hard earned money for their promises of cleaning things up when the shit hits the fan.
And when the shit DOES hit the fan, why, they increase your monthly payment to cover their new losses that they spent fixing up your fan. Sounds like a win-win situation to me!! – For the insurance companies, that is.
So besides wanting to insure my cat’s left testicle, I’ve always wanted to insure my pretty rear end. Both cheeks of it. And I’m not talking about the one on my chin.
According to insurance companies, every time someone signs up for an insurance policy, they are raising the value of the economy.
Since all of America is so insurance happy, I decided to jump in and get my buttocks insured.
So I present to you the story of:
I park my car near the insurance company’s office. It had a very snug, homely look to it on the outside.
I sat down with the insurance advisor, a sexy young lady with ginormously impossible-sized breasts. I think one was bigger than the other. I’m guessing she must have them insured.
She breaks down the plans. At 1,000 dollars a month, I get the limited protection. At $10,000 I get the medium protection. At 1,000,000 a month, I get the full protection.
You know, I don’t grow money on trees you fucking assholes.
Still I just had to be a part of this trend. So I inquired about a $1 insurance plan, just for me.
The receptionist did some calculating on her computer for what seemed like hours. Her long fingernails made this really annoying sound. They even looked annoying as hell.
Turns out to insure my butt for 1 dollar I would have to pay $100 dollars a month. Meaning, I would receive a $1 check if my butt gets damaged. Wow, this insurance policy sounded awesome! It made perfect sense!
Here are the thoughts that were ravaging through my brain:
I can imagine going to a strip club and putting a few bucks between the butt crack of a stripper with ass insurance now.
Looks like things are going to get expensive. But hey – the insurance companies say the economy’s getting better – so I’m alright with that!
A while later after my purchase, people started following the trend. I think it was because of a lot of Kim Kardashian or J Lo followers decided it was the hip thing to do.
Ass insurance became a booming business.
As all things go with booming insurance businesses, the government wants a piece of the action. So they get a senator to pass a bill within the next few months to make ass insurance mandatory, the same way car insurance had become mandatory.
Now, I’ve got nothing against car insurance and I guess it is a safe way to make sure damages are taken care. But the fact that the government steps in and makes it MANDATORY or YOU WILL BE FINED THOUSANDS OF MONIES makes my wisdom teeth quake.
To top off matters worse.. the government makes it mandatory for when applying to jobs. No butt insurance? Can’t get a job.
All of a sudden – we all have to pay. Since we’re all born with a butt.
And if you can’t afford to pay for ass insurance – the insurance collectors will kidnap you for an ass-removal surgery.
All of a sudden Hollywood encourages up this trend, and celebrities are forced to make statements and initiatives as they always love doing.
Here’s the VOGUE cover. Who is that blonde? Kate Moss?
Now when there’s a business for a particular type of product or insurance, other rich assholes like to jump in. How many car insurance companies are there now? Geico, AAA, AllState etc etc, the list is here. There must be over 50!
Similarly, hundreds of ass insurance companies sprouted all across the United States.
The insurance companies built charts such as these, to display the economic growth their company is bringing vs. the economic downfall without ass insurance:
It seems the popular companies with the most insured customers are:
KardASShian insurance co. (You guess who owns that company.)
One of these companies claim that they are bringing more to the economy than Facebook is. Another claims 50% of America’s GDP is brought by asshole insurance.
Oh, that’s right – I forgot to tell you that similar to how there is a trucker’s insurance, there is now also an asshole insurance. It only insures the hole part of the butt.
According to these charts, I would have to say that with ass insurance, the economy will rise up to such a level that we will be crapping money out of our insured asses and never have to look back to these horrible days.
The government also claims that not having ass insurance will be the equivalent of putting coins on a train track, and standing next to it when a train arrives.
On a last note.. I wonder if testicle insurance would ever be in effect.
The only defense a woman has for sure against a thief is a smack in the testicles with her fat purse.
DA-HEY! But she can’t do it – if the thief’s testicles are insured.
The thief ends up winning a million dollar lawsuit for the destruction of his testicles even though he was the one trying to steal from the innocent woman.
Only in America.
The same comic panels was drawn by another awesome artist – Jason Vianna. I really liked it, and decided to post that version as well! Click here to read his version’s comic panels only.