When I was a kid, I built a space-time continuum portal and decided to test it out.
When all of a sudden this yellow liquid shot at me through the portal.
Turns out I built the space-time continuum portal directly into someone’s urinal.
So I worked diligently for a year till I fixed all the bugs.
I set my machine to go back in time to the Lord of the Rings era. I know its fiction, damnit, but my machine was awesome that way.
I tried to reach the other side but I couldn’t. Was there a chance Gandalf was directly blocking me, as he was in the following meme:
Yeah, SOPA sucks btw.
I finally found a way to get through. Took me several years but I did it. I landed in a grassy field.
There I saw it. An ENT! A MOTHAFUCKIN ENT!
Although the Ents seemed to be cursed. They could not move from the ground as they were deeply rooted, so they were not as epic as they were in the movies.
I had to take a piss and there was no bathroom in sight.
Being the mischievous little fuck I was then, I just HAD to take a piss near a tree. I should’ve done it on the grass because here’s what happened:
I felt my body be crushed to pieces as the Ent kept chewing me to bits.
Bits and pieces of my body were just mangled alive. I think I died a few minutes later. It felt like hours. Hours of PAIN.
I suddenly found my skull ejected from the tree’s mouth.
What happened next was unprecedented.
“Tit for tat, motherfucker!” said the Ent.
But then I awoke.
My body was intact and healthy. I wasn’t dead. I was in the real world though. My invention had foiled.
Piece of shit machinery.
I found myself sitting in a grassy field. WTF? How did I get there? I never found out how.
I felt a rush of fluid inside my body signalling me to take a piss, so I went up to the nearest tree I saw and unzipped.
I sighed. What a fucking boring day. I started to pee.
At first I thought it was a tree branch. But then I looked closely. Doesn’t that look like the tree is “unzipping” itself?
Yes, it’s how it looks like.
I blocked the jet of water hurling towards me from that tree with my hand. Maybe I thought I was some kind of a Jedi. It didn’t work for long.
Decided it was best to leave the scene. After all, this is impossible. This must be a figment of my imagination.
Because I didn’t block it right with my Jedi mind tricks and my hands, I had tasted a little bit of the tree’s inner liquid.
It was the best tasting water I had ever drank. It was pure nectar. It was better than the bottled water and tap water nonsense that I’ve been drinking my whole life.
Again, what I did next was totally unprecedented.
It just tastes SO FREAKISHLY GOOD!
After I wrote this article, I got contacted by the DASANI brand (The Coca-Cola company) for the source of this tree for its nectar-like water. Aquafina (Pepsi brand) sent agents to torture me.
I will never reveal the location of this tree unless you send me some monies via paypal. Totally kidding.